(A slightly abridged version of the King Kullen Contact page.)
Name* - Larry McCoy
Address
Phone
E-mail* - lmcvaluga@aol.com
Which King Kullen Do You Shop In? - Rockville Centre, NY
Questions or Comments*
Your Majesty,
Last week on returning from a trip to Maine we stopped at the
store to pick up a quick dinner and decided on a roasted chicken,
potato salad and a ½ strawberry-rhubarb pie. When we got home,
our son was there and said he had a present for us. Jack had also
been to one of your Majesty’s stores and bought a ½ strawberry-
rhubarb pie. He knows we like the combination of strawberry and
rhubarb. He doesn’t, or he might have taken one of the pies
home.
That evening, after finishing my chicken and potato salad, I
sliced myself a piece of pie and noticed the label listing the
ingredients along with the price, $3.69. May I be so bold to ask,
my Lord, is this a jest? Is it possible that in all of your glorious
kingdom none of your ½ strawberry-rhubarb pies have
strawberries in them?
They do, my Liege, according to the label, have rhubarb.
Praise be to the Almighty! But, begging your pardon, Sire, I have
studied the ingredients list at great length on several occasions
now and have yet to espy the magical “s” word – STRAWBERRY. I
see “sugar.” I see “salt.” I also see “soybean oil,” “syrup” (as in
high fructose corn syrup), “sodium” (as in sodium citrate) and
“sorbate” (as in potassium sorbate), but nay I have not been
favored to spot, despite arduous research, the word I seek so
eagerly and diligently, STRAWBERRY.
Believe me, your Majesty, I do know my place and it is not an
exalted one, yet as a loyal subject I am bound to ask is there not
grievous trouble in the land when our strawberry pies are barren
of strawberries? Whilst it might be far-fetched to opine this
dreadful situation is worthy of the late bard and his exclamation
that “something is rotten in the state of Denmark,” is it not
reasonable for a free people to expect – yea, even demand –
strawberries in their strawberry pies?
Spare me, dear King, a few more moments of your time
because this is a troubling development and yet there may be
a ray of sunshine. Again, going by the list on the label, the pies
we bought also have water in them as well as whey, lemon pulp,
citric acid, dextrose and (note this well) guar gum. Although I
could be mistaken, your Highness, is there not a hint in that last
ingredient that court clowns may well have played a prank on
jolly old King Kullen? To the trembling ear of this humble
peasant, the words “guar gum” are but a silly mockery of the
way Lucinda Williams sings the opening line of “Car Wheels On
A Gravel Road.” Some knave perchance is pulling the great
King’s leg. It might be wise to appoint a trusted courtier to
mingle with the young lads in the labeling department for a spell
to see if they have been up to some fun lately. Perhaps
eliminating vital ingredients from the labels and inserting
phony ones. It goes without saying, my Lord, that the courtier
should also be alert to any humming or singing of Lucinda
Williams songs among the lads.
As soon as I finish this missive, I pledge to deal with another
curiosity on the label with the greatest of haste. To wit: Who or
what is “Agar Agar”? Could that not merely be the name of an
Egyptian thrown on the label as sport? Remember Boutros
Boutros Ghali? Well, Sire, there could also be an Agar Agar
Ghali.
I will communicate my findings on an urgent basis to your
Majesty. In the meantime, it would be of enormous assistance if
someone could be dispatched immediately to fetch a whole
strawberry-rhubarb pie to examine the label and determine if
there has been treacherous tampering there too in the matter of
strawberries.
In the meantime, I remain your obedient servant,
Larry McCoy.
Submit Dear Mr. McCoy, Thank you for alerting us of the situation with the label, I have researched and the strawberry rhubarb pie does contain strawberries. We will revise the label forthwith. I appreciate your patronage and value you as a customer. Thank you, Tom Corcoran King Kullen
(Posted September 28, 2011)
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At 12:50 p.m. September 30th, I sent the piece to King Kullen. At 3:37:52 p.m., I got this response: